This makes me feel a little ashamed and not good enough thinking about how I have and still can feel at times.
Now I am in a stronger place and think if I type really fast and press post it will make it easier. It's something I really want to share because I feel like it's important that no one feels alone.
After we found out Eli was deaf I feel like I took that news pretty well. Was strong for Eli because that's what my boys needed. We also had so much to do that you don't really have time to sit and just think.
I think me being strong so much in that way let old anxieties creep in. I have always stressed and worried about the future. My husband says I struggle to live in the present and enjoy what we have because I'm always thinking ahead and what's next. I spent a lot of my time worrying about Eli's future that I consciously had to make myself stop and enjoy the now.
I had a lot of social anxiety. I would pack the boys bag ready to go out for the day then start overthinking the process. What happens if Mase runs off and I can't leave the pushchair. People will stare when I take Eli out and he has hearing aids on. People will look at me funny when I am signing to Eli. I would overthink so much that we wouldn't go out. We only went out when we had to if I was by myself. Picking Mase up from nursery. Taking Eli to get new moulds for his hearing aids. Then I would feel guilty the boys weren't going out which made me feel more anxious. It was a big vicious circle.
I didn't let many people in to how I was actually feeling most people would see I am fine. That's what I would tell people so why wouldn't they take me at face value. I would post lovely pictures of the boys so of course everything is fine. I made it look fine because I so wanted to feel fine. There is a saying dress for the job role you want. Well I was letting the world see how I wanted to feel not how I was feeling.
Eli had a lot of appointments in his early weeks and months that Mase had a lot of sleepovers with my in laws so he didn't have to be in hospital and bored instead he could play and have fun. That's amazing but would make me feel like I was letting Mason down. That I had chosen Eli over him. This is irrational and I know that now but it felt very rational and hard at the time. I would cry leaving him. I'm crying writing this because I remember how vulnerable and raw I felt and no one really knew. I didn't express this to anyone. Leaving the boys is one of my biggest triggers with my anxiety and it's something I am very aware of and work hard on.
My sister in law probably knew the most and was amazing because there was never judgment. I think that's the hardest part to opening up to anyone you feel judged before you say anything. Sometimes it's because they don't understand sometimes because they don't want to. I have always been the emotional one in my family and relationship that quite often it's brushed off as dramatic Jane or emotional Jane. But actually I felt really alone and really lost with all of these feelings.
I am loads better at trying to push myself to go out and do more with the kids alone. Once I'm out it's actually a lot easier and my anxieties start disappear. One of the things that help me is thinking of each small step rather then the whole picture. For example pack the bag. Get The boys ready. Walk down the stairs. Etc. Breaking it down doesn't make it so scary.
It's hard but never feel alone and try to speak to someone if you can. This is probably very wafflley and all over the place but that sums me up pretty well to be fair.
Thank you for reading
Jane
No comments:
Post a Comment